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How to Start Your Own Mom-Pool Modern motherhood is a big mess. If government won’t cut us more breaks, employers won’t offer more flexibility, husbands won’t pitch in more, child development experts keep ratcheting up their expectations, celebrities maintain that motherhood is bliss 24/7, and playgroups become competitive rather than supportive, what are everyday moms to do to stay sane? Start a mom-pool, I say. Here, I share some insights into how a mom-pool can keep you dog paddling through parenthood.
Q. What is a mom-pool? A. Like a carpool, it’s a group of moms who band together to make life for everyone in the group easier. A mom-pool can provide crisis help—chicken soup or babysitting when one mom gets sick, or proven strategies and support when a mom goes through a rough period. Unlike a playgroup, the emphasis here is on moms alone, and on caring for the women who take care of everyone else.
Q. Where did the name “mom-pool” come from? A. A few years ago at a spa called Ten-Thousand Waves at the base of a mountain in Santa Fe, New Mexico, I got up my nerve to go naked into an outdoor hot springs a clerk told me was “bathing suit optional.” There were separate facilities for men and women, and the lighting was low except for a full moon and a pinon-burning fireplace near the tub. When I looked around at these women in the moonlight, I was struck by how beautiful all of us were—whether or not we had big bellies or muscles, sagging breasts or taut. In the moonlight, our skin tingling in a cool wind and hot bubbling water, we were guileless and imperfect and yet so astoundingly beautiful. That’s what a mom-pool is: a group of raw-soul moms, reminding ourselves what a glorious role we have in life and gaining energy from this pool to take out into the world.
Q. Why do I need a mom-pool? A. A mom-pool is a way of creating part of the community our moms enjoyed and that we sorely need. Moms today think we should do this very hard work alone. But if you have women who know intimately what you’re going through and with whom you can share your true feelings without fear of judgment, you’ll be surprised how much energy and support it affords you for work and family life.
Q. What does a mom-pool do? A. My mom-pool is a group of 10 moms that meets twice monthly on a weekday evening to share dilemmas and triumphs, problems-solve and cheer each other on. We start at 7:30 PM, spend about 15 minutes getting snacks and catching up. Then we go around the room and each mom rates from 1 to 10 how she is doing or how eager she is to share something with the group. The two or three moms with the highest priority numbers become the moms we focus on that night. We have a moderator who keeps the group on track and a secretary who arranges meeting places and phone chains if a mom gets into a tight spot and needs emergency casseroles, babysitting, hand-holding, etc.
Q. What other structures do you put into place? A. We have some important ground rules: Everything we discuss is confidential and stays in the room. We promise to honor each others’ experiences without judgment, every woman gets a chance to talk in the course of an evening, and we try not to interrupt each other. We also want the evenings to be as low-stress as possible so we urge hostesses to serve only store-bought snacks.
Q. What do you talk about? A. Everything! Sometimes a mom is at a breaking point because her three-year-old is very aggressive, or because she isn’t communicating with her husband. Sometimes moms are embarking on new ventures such as home businesses or volunteer fund-raising and they’re unsure of themselves. Some moms want to celebrate losing three pounds or seek absolution for saying the “f” word in front of their kids.
Q. What if I want to have a different kind of mom-pool? A. Go for it. Mom-pools can be anything you want them to be, as long as their mission is taking care of mom--not the kids, the house, your husband, etc. Stay-at-home moms may need a social outlet more than anything—women to have a glass of wine with to break through the isolation. Sometimes moms just need ideas—practical solutions that have work for other moms and their families.
Q. How do you form a mom-pool? A. Start with a core group of moms who you’d like to see more of. Then sift through others you meet, slowly asking women you like to join you. I’m in a group of Jewish and Christian women, some stay-at-home moms, some working; diversity works really well for us. But I tend to think single moms need a mom-pool of single moms and that for example, step-moms, lesbian moms and African-American moms have so many unique struggles that they would probably benefit from a specialized mom-pool.
Q. How do make sure that the moms you invite will be good for the group? A. Moms who pretend everything about motherhood and family life is perfect tend to opt out of the pool themselves. They’re better off in playgroups if it feels selfish to them to focus on themselves rather than on their children. One mom I know asked women what they liked to read, what they liked to do in their free time, to get a sense of the mother first.
Q. How do we get moms to be honest and not feel self-conscious about sharing their feelings? A. Use What No One Tells the Mom as a resource! Have your group read a chapter or a section per week; the candidness in the book sets the tone. See the group discussion guide in this section which is designed to get moms opened up and reaching out.
Q. Why do I need another obligation in my life? A. You will be nourished so much by a mom-pool that it will not feel like an obligation. We have some sleep-deprived moms of young babies who nevertheless wouldn’t dream of missing mom-pool. It becomes like oxygen; you have to have time with your mom-pool to keep going.
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